Much Ado About Nothing?

Scene: A barn, somewhere in Devon.

The players:
Sonny "Sunshine" Jim (a spiffingly good hound)

Joseph Ffairfach Nathan Jones (a dog of humble origin, with a high opinion of himself)

Cody Alexander Timberlake (the Grant Mitchell of the canine world)

Freddy Dingo (a very 'special' dog)

Farmer Ian (bit player, off stage)

Sonny:   I say chaps, awfully keen to get this show on the road.

Joey (sotto voce):   Awfully keen an awful amount of the time in my humble opinion.

Sonny:    What?  Oh, amusing.  Now, I got a sneaky look at the blog recently, and my Auntie Lorna in Scotland is right!  Gosh darn it, there's not nearly enough about collies and their adventures.  It should be collie-tastic!

Cody:   Grrrrrrrr!

Sonny:   Of course, sorry old bean, collies AND huskies. 

Fred:   Wot's Scotland?

Joey:   Somewhere a long way away, my noodle-headed friend.  Past Somerset at least.  The dogs there have different accents, would you believe!*

Fred:   Cor, miles then.  More than wot I can walk.

Cody:   Waddle you mean, tubby.

Sonny:   Oh, not nice.  Bad show Cody. 

Joey:   Frederick, please.  Can licking that particular appendage not wait until we are not quite so en famille?

Fred:   Eh?

Cody:   Leave yer todger alone for five minutes, plonker!

Fred:   But I've got a itch!

Joey:   An itch.

Fred:   One of them too.

Sonny:   Fred's parts aside, and Fred, do please be a sport and tidy yourself up later, what are we going to do?

Joey:   We could affect a revolution, just like in George Pawell's Animal Farm!  The masters were overthrown, and the pigs took over.

Cody:   Pigs? You are flipping kidding me, right?  I ain't taking no orders from no pigs.  And where you gonna find pigs round 'ere?  See these teeth?  These aren't for eating veggies, no.  They're for eating pigs and other such juicy…

Joey:   Oh God, not this one again!  Lord have mercy on us.  It's a metaphor you uneducated wolf.

Cody:   Well, I've seen you eatin blackberries and sloes off the bush.  Barely evolved past fox you did, you fluffy-eared dandy.

Joey:   Well, there's no need to be quite so pejorative about it!

Fred (aside to Cody):   What's he talking about?  Perjitive what?

Cody:   No bloody idea.  The bugger always talks like he has a dictionary shoved up his jacksie.  But you know what they say…owners and their dogs and all that.

Fred:   But I have the same master.

Cody:   Yeah, but you must admit, our master does also have right dense moments.

Fred (laughing):    Yeah, he do….hey, wait a minute!!

Sonny:   Oh come on chaps, let's not have a bish-bosh over this.

Cody:   OK Biggles, what're we gonna do?

Sonny:   Maybe no revolution.  I'm frightfully worried that with no opposable thumb we won't be able to use the can opener, and I do rather like my treats.

Cody:   And strokes.  That bit right behind the ear, blimey how good is that?

Joey:   Hmm.  I can give or take it.  I prefer not to be anyone's lapdog.

Cody:   You what?  Any bleeding chance you get, up on the sofa and all doe-eyed.

Joey (spluttering):   That's, that's neither here nor there!

Fred (dreamily):   Oooooo, the sofa.  I luv the sofa.

Farmer Ian (calling from off-stage):   Sonny, let's go!

Sonny:   Sheep!  Sheep, sheep, sheep!  Oh, oh, oh…sheep!
[Sonny exits right, at speed]

Cody:   Positively piddling himself with excitement, the daft spanner.  Sheep are for eating.  Look at these teeth.

Joey (gritting his):   Yes, you say that, but it is frowned upon to eat the stock!

Fred:   The sofa, ahhhh.

Joey:   Well, we might as well make a move.  Action Pup won't be back for a while, and if I have to listen to another breathless commentary on how he took them this way, then that, through the gate and over the bloody hill, I'll throw myself under the dung-spreader.

Cody:   Yeah, me too.

Joey:   What do you say we mosey on down the lane, have a little snack of rabbit currants on the way, and roll in the pile of dung by the gate?

Cody:   Pukka idea!  Let's vamoose.

[Exeunt stage left]

Joey (from off stage):   For the love of God, Freddy leave your unmentionables alone!  Now get a move on!

Fred:   Did someone say rabbit currants?

[Rapid exit stage left]

[Editor's comments]

* It's true about dog accents!  Even cows have regional accents!